I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
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