They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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