The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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