I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
