she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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