She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
