She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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