I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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