she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
