My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
