And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Randomize