I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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