I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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