Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
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