i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
He did a backflip because drugs
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
