Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
