**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
