tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
