I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize