My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
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