Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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