I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
