Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize
