Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
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