My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I can't put those talents on a resume
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
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