my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Are we still banned from the library?
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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