There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
