I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
