no, he came in my armpit
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
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