Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
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