Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
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