im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
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