i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Randomize
