A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize