She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
