I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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