u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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