if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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