So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
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