how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
