i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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