hell yes lets make some ravioli
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
