I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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