my phone needs a breathalizer
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize