The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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