you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
