accomplished twins. life is a go
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Randomize
