There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize