listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
