never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
