My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
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