I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
The uberlube is also flammable
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I have tasted many bathrooms
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
