why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
