how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I party with great urgency now.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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