While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
