Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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