hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
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