Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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