I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Randomize
