I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
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