I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
