God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
