I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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