Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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