Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
