Me too!
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
