Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
