The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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